Monday, April 29, 2013

Never Give Up The Fight

Monday April 29, 2013

I would imagine that most, if not all of us have lost someone near and dear to us.  Hopefully, this post doesn't end up being about loss, because it's not meant to be.  However, at this point in my life I am being faced with the thought of losing someone very near and dear to me.

In the very least, over the course of the next year, or years, I will watch this person endure what is probably going to be the most monumentous battle of her life.

I'm going to take you on this journey from my perspective.  I will be as factual as I can with the details.  I asked her if I could blog about this... starting now. Of course she said yes. I promised her that I wouldn't reveal anything super personal or anything that she wouldn't want the world to know. But she knows me. She knows that writing for me is better than any bit of paid therapy I can receive. As close as she and I are, she knows that this situation, no matter the outcome, will be very difficult for me, but I will be her rock when she's around. I will fall apart later. And that will show in some of my posts.

Our family just found out on Friday that my step-mom has a baseball sized tumor inside her brain.  And it's cancer.

Cancer.

I hate that word. 

The mere sound of that word sends my mind into a tailspin.

It's early in the diagnosis.  We know it's there.  We know it's cancer.  We know it's been growing for a long long time.  We know she has to have surgery.  And chemo.  And radiation.

What we don't know is what kind of cancer it is.  We also don't know for certain if it's a solid mass or if it "spiders" out, amoungst many other things.

She and my dad have an appointment tomorrow with the Nerosurgeon.  Hopefully we will know more then.

From what I've been told, this all started within the last week, maybe two.  She was extra-forgetful.  She started getting lost in her own home.  She made a doctor's appointment for Friday of last week, but called my dad to bring her because she had no idea where her doctor's office is.  She's been with her doctor for years. 

As soon as she got to her appointment and told her doctor about her symptoms, they were told to go to the ER THAT DAY.  So they did.  What followed was a series of tests and questions.  A MRI and CAT Scan later, they got the news.

She spent one night in the hospital.  On Saturday when she got home, she was disoriented and extremely exhausted.  She had hardly gotten any sleep the night before (or nights before that), and could hardly keep her balance.  Talking with her was reminiscent of what I would imagine talking with an Alzheimer's patient would be like.  She repeated herself many times - forgot many details of the sentence just before.  She couldn't find the seat that she was going to sit on without someone guiding her back.  A couple of times, she tried to sit and almost fell on the floor.

She forgot why she was getting up, or what she needed to do. 

She felt the need to discuss final arrangements.  She is prepared to make them.  And we openly talked about some of her wishes.  Needless to say, this has been extremely overwhelming news for both her and my dad to digest.

And of course, she is scared beyond belief.  I won't begin to speculate what she is scared of, but I would imagine it's what the rest of us would be scared of had we been told that we have two-ish weeks before surgery to hopefully find out what is killing us.  Or maybe she feels she has two weeks to say goodbye to everyone she knows & loves.  Maybe she is scared to leave my dad alone.  Maybe it's not even about the fear of what comes after dying.  I know she's not afraid to die.  Maybe it's the fear of the battle she is about to face - and what comes after when she survives.  Maybe it's the pain she will experience.  Maybe it's the thought that she will never be the same person, or she will lose memories of things she loves.  Maybe it's all of these things. 

I will say this.  Mom, if you're reading this, don't be filled with fear

The first time I heard this poem was from you.  You have always taught me about keeping hope and faith alive in the lowest points of my life, when it's sometimes hardest to have hope & faith.  Now, it's your turn.

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.



When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.



He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."



The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

GOD is going to carry you through this. 

I remember you teaching me about God closing doors in order to open a bigger one.  I remember you teaching me about all of the trials you and Dad have been through in life, and the one thing that never waivered was your faith.  Never.

We just had a conversation the other day about faith and how important it is to you to take time each day to tap in to your faith.  Keep that up.  I know it will be hard.  But not because you don't want to, but because of the physical toll your battle may take.  If you need me to read to you, I will.  If you need me to remind you, I will.  You are a beautiful, kind and giving person.  Never forget that. 

Never forget the many lives you have touched.  The lives you have saved.  The people you have blessed - just by giving of yourself whatever you had to give.  Sometimes, it wasn't much, or maybe more than you yourself had, but you gave it anyway.

Never, never, never give up this fight...  And I want you to know that if it comes time to give up, you're not giving up.  You're not letting anyone down.  For once in your life, don't worry about us.  We are carrying this load with you, and for you when we can.  You are loved.  You are cherished.  And WE will never give up. 

This is not goodbye.  We have many years left to enjoy each other.  Life events, birthdays, grandkids, great-grandkids.  We are going to take this battle one day at a time, one fact at a time, one moment at a time.  And we will do it together.  As a family.  Our family pulls together - the whole family - and we are strong!

Today, I asked her if I could get to writing.  She said of course... honestly, I don't think she or my dad know how to even begin telling all of their friends and loved ones.  Of course, the family knows, and those that they see on a regular basis.  If you are close to them and you are learning of this for the first time, please don't be offended.  They are focused on so many details right now, with so little time left to put them all together. 

We have begun making meals for them - meals that freeze and can be easily heated.  We're thinking RECOVERY.  When mom has that surgery, she will be in the hospital for a time.  When she gets home, the last thing Dad's going to want to do is cook.  Or clean.  Just little things like that.  We all want a piece of them right now, but without overwhelming, we're just letting them know that we're here.  Even if we're sneaking around in the background.

So, if it's not too much to ask, could you send up extra prayers for us?  Especially Dianne (Mom, Step-Mom, Grams, Aunt, Cousin, Sister, Wife, Daughter-In-Law).  I will be writing regularly throughout this journey.  If you know someone who is friends or family of Dianne who isn't connected somehow, please share this blog with them.  I will try to be as detailed and factual as possible - read as much or as little as you want.  This will also be one of our ways of getting news out to everyone.

And Mom, one more time... Hang tough, and NEVER give up this fight.  We're gonna be just fine.

*Ditto*... ;)