Ava Update 3-13-13

  I was going to update my Facebook status again, but I haven't written in a LOOOOONG time, and I'm sitting here at the hospital, just Ava and me, and I was smart enough to bring a laptop so I didn't have to update on my tiny iPhone...  Plus, I've had the serious urge to write.

  No More IV!  THIS miraculous event happened on accident... her IV blew out again, and instead of putting her through the trauma of trying to find a good vein, we asked the Powers That Be if we could do medication orally from now on and behold! They said YES!  One less point of misery for my baby, and one small step closer to going home! After the trauma of last night and blowing out three veins while trying to find a good one, this is MUCH welcomed news!

  Big sister Hannah came up to see Ava today and that did both girls good.  Ava sure did cry when she left though.  They have missed each other, and Hannah has been a little confused as well with everything going on.  

  Still no lab results - either from the blood or the biopsy they took.  We were told that since she started receiving antibiotics so soon in the ER, the blood and tissue samples would already have been tainted by those antibiotics.  Each day that goes by without an answer is hard - and fills the future with a bit of fear that this may happen again.  But with faith, we try to cling to the chance that this was a freak thing.

  She is SO crabby!  And it's hard to see her so crabby, when I know that any other time she is awake, she is FULL of joy.  She goes from yelling at people to move out of her way because she can't see the TV, to telling us all to stop talking because she can't hear her movie (Tangled - for the 15th time today), to telling whoever is closest that they have stinky breath.  I made the monumental mistake of asking her ever so nicely to try to be a little nicer to people, and that just made her cry!  She can't help it... she's grumpy!  She's been through so much in the last 3 days!  Immediately after one of her lash-outs, she either falls asleep or has one of her many-a-day meltdowns about wanting to go home.  She misses home.  My heart aches for her.  Aches.  Literally.  Watching in pure helplessness as my baby girl is poked and prodded, she doesn't feel good, she doesn't understand, and she can't go home.  It's torture for me... and worse for her.

  I haven't been alone with her yet... which is good I guess - we are blessed to be surrounded by so many friends and family.  But I want to be alone with her.  I want to feel like her Mommy.  Tonight is my night to stay overnight at the hospital.  The rest of the week has been split up between her daddy, her Bumpa (overnights) and the visitors we've had during the day.  I am truly in awe by how Matt's and my friends and families have come together to not only be here for Ava, but also for Hannah.  Hannah's 7th birthday was yesterday.  I stayed home that morning, made her favorite - birthday pancakes, and drove her to school. I spent the rest of the day and evening at the hospital.  Hannah got to go to her BFF's house for a sleepover - ON A SCHOOL NIGHT - and they made her a birthday cake and the girls stayed up late just being girls. It was the distraction that she needed.  But today as she got off the bus after school, she was crying.  Her Grams picked her up at the bus stop, and she was confused about which bus she was riding and which stop she was getting off.  She hadn't seen her Dad since Monday morning, and me since Tuesday morning, and she obviously knew her baby sister was in the hospital.  So, this has taken a toll on Hannah as well.

  I promised pictures...  

This is what her leg looked like at 11:30 AM when Matt decided to take her in to Urgent Care (her ankle is on the left of the picture)

By 1:00pm, shortly after we arrived at DeVos, her leg had worsened to this. They drew around the area with a magic marker to watch it grow.

And within 2 hours of that, they had decided to admit her.

Around 4:00, this is what her leg looked like:

And it was moving up into her groin area.  You can see the

redness moving up her leg, outside of the marked area, and

onto her knee. 

At this point, the Pediatric Orthopedic Surgeon had decided not to wait for the antibiotics to make an effect and they pretty much rushed her to surgery.

After her surgery, Matt and I went in to see her post-op.  We were told under no uncertain terms that she almost didn't make it.  Not because of the surgery itself, or any complications from her infection, but because her asthma flared up and they couldn't get her breathing under control.

Today, she had her second surgery to explore the tissue and muscle that was infected.  They didn't promise that they could stitch her up, just that they were going to take a look and hopefully find improvement.  While waiting for the anesthesiologist, we were told additional details about her first surgery and the complications she had while coming out of anesthesia.  We had forgotten that she drank a slushy about an hour before her surgery.  It was doctor ordered... we didn't anticipate surgery at that point and didn't see a thing wrong with it.  When she was taken back for surgery it was, we were also later told, a "life or limb" situation, so VERY much an emergency.  Well, while being extubated, she threw up, but aspirated (breathed in her vomit) and it got in her lungs.  Thus, causing her to go into major trauma.  They almost couldn't get her back from that.

It was another 24 hours before we saw any kind of a smile.  It was the balloons and stuffed animals that did it.


 

  
And this was the difference between day 2 and today (day 3) after surgery:

   This was Ava straight out of her second surgery - before she even returned to her room.  WHAT A DIFFERENCE!!

   So, today we are doing much better!  She's eating, she's drinking, she's talking and interacting, she's bossy, she's REALLY crabby and a little mean (an understatement, but wouldn't you be?  I know I would), and every minute that goes by I start to see a little glimpse of my Ava Gracie... My sweet, sweet Ava Gracie.  She hasn't been bathed since Sunday (she won't let anyone near her with a sponge or water), the rat's nest (another understatement) of hair she has on her head makes me wonder if we'll have to shave it before we ever get it straight again... but I'll take it.  I'll take it all.  I am thankful for the scars on her leg that will always remind us of this week (they're very minimal - we had a very talented surgeon), I'm thankful for the hours I'll spend untangling her hair, I'm thankful for the make-up tooth brushings we'll have to do, and the extra long bath she'll take when she can.  I'm thankful for the grumpiness and the yelling and impatience.  I would give anything, DO anything for either one of my kids.  And getting through it would make us all stronger and that much more able to handle life as it comes.

  I am so thankful for the outpouring of support, love, prayers, gifts for Ava, offers to help with the kids, bringing me or any family member a hot meal, help with Hannah - you name it, it's been offered.  Words cannot express our gratitude and humility toward everyone that has offered to help.  It's humbling... to say the least. 

  I barely proofread this, I just wanted to get it out.  It feels so good to write again - unfortunately it took this trauma for me to make the time.  I apologize for the misspellings and jumping from day to day, and situation to situation - it's not my norm, but I'm deliriously tired, and don't really care.  You guys are smart and you can put 2 and 2 together to get the picture!  I basically wanted to get more details out - since this is so bizarre, yet intriguing.

  Thank you again for your continued prayers.  We aren't out of the woods yet, but I'm hoping the trail is getting more clear.  She's a fighter - and so are we.  And we have the power of prayer on our side.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Till next time... 

Seeing Clearly

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart ... He who looks outside, dreams. He who looks inside, awakens."  ~ Carl Jung

As each day passes, and more joy is had between the girls and I, I grow increasingly calm.

Yesterday, we took the day off.  Literally.  

I get so wrapped up in the "big people" stuff, and there's always something going on, something to do, that it's sometime quite difficult to just stop.

So we did.

We got up in the morning, snuggled together, had lunch and spent most of the entire rest of the day outside.

We started in the lake.  The girls swam for about an hour and a half, and then they told me they were COLD.

Yes, cold.

I think the "feels like" temperature yesterday was over 100 degrees, and the lake water felt like a hot tub, so why they were cold I don't know.

So, we headed inside, played Hide-and-Seek and Hot-and-Cold.  We had another snack and went back outside to enjoy the sun.

It wasn't long before the girls were hot again, so off we went back into the water.  The dog loves to play Frisbee, so we wore her out too!

By dinner and bedtime, we were sunned-out and a little cranky.  It was a long, PERFECT day.

I did a lot of watching yesterday.  I watched my kids play and interact with each other.  I watched their eyes as they danced with joy.  I watched their tiny little souls as they swam, splashed and laughed.  And I wasn't just watching.  I was seeing.

I could see that no matter what we go through, we can make the best of any situation, as long as we're together.  The three of us have a bond like no other, and it can never be torn apart.

Never.

I could see, I mean really see, that the kind of love we have is beyond circumstances and hard times.  I could see my beautiful daughters being care-free, and loving every minute of our day together.  Everything else that went on in the world around us was gone - if only for a day.

It's hard to look into the heart and really see.  Sometimes we forget that our heart holds the key to life, both physical and emotional.  We get so caught up in the day to day, with all of the rules and stipulations on how to be, how to act, how to feel.

It was just what I needed to forget all of that yesterday while we were playing.

It's times like these that I wish I could look back on in a magic crystal ball and recapture them.  Relive them.

As time marches on, and our lives change, I begin to see inside my own heart.  I begin to see my full potential. I see security and confidence where there was once apprehension and uncertainty.  I see joy and immense happiness for the good things that are to come.

While I am just beginning the process of healing and moving on, the more I see, the more I awaken.

And it's a beautiful sight.

Endless

Sometimes I wonder why life happens the way it does.

When I started this blog, I was looking for an outlet and a way to express my life, as it was, and to continue to find the blessings in it, despite the circumstances.

The responses from you, the reader, have been overwhelming.  The love and support I have received as I've taken you on my journey through motherhood and my experiences is amazing.

No matter what happens in my life, good or bad, I have learned that there is always a greater plan.  There is always life after loss, healing after pain, joy after sorrow.  There is never a reason to give up, or give in.

I know these things now more than ever.

The friendships I have are endless.

My love for my children is endless.

The blessings I see when I open my eyes every day are endless.

The grace and mercy I have been given are endless.

I have such peace about the next chapter and have finally accepted that life as I knew it before is no longer.  I have begun to see a glimpse of my life to come, and it is BEAUTIFUL.


There's no other way to be, no other way to think.  God is good.  He continues to amaze me every single day as I walk this journey, completely blinded by what's around the next corner.


He is faithful.

Although the next chapter of my journey is unclear to me, I believe that what lies ahead is something wonderful.  I will continue to walk with my head held high, proud of the wife I was and the mother that I am.  I will not walk into the future with fear, but with hope and anticipation of things and events that are beyond my comprehension of happiness as I knew it.


I know this is a short post, but I need to get back to it.


God's blessings are endless.


The future, the promises are endless.