Seeing Clearly

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart ... He who looks outside, dreams. He who looks inside, awakens."  ~ Carl Jung

As each day passes, and more joy is had between the girls and I, I grow increasingly calm.

Yesterday, we took the day off.  Literally.  

I get so wrapped up in the "big people" stuff, and there's always something going on, something to do, that it's sometime quite difficult to just stop.

So we did.

We got up in the morning, snuggled together, had lunch and spent most of the entire rest of the day outside.

We started in the lake.  The girls swam for about an hour and a half, and then they told me they were COLD.

Yes, cold.

I think the "feels like" temperature yesterday was over 100 degrees, and the lake water felt like a hot tub, so why they were cold I don't know.

So, we headed inside, played Hide-and-Seek and Hot-and-Cold.  We had another snack and went back outside to enjoy the sun.

It wasn't long before the girls were hot again, so off we went back into the water.  The dog loves to play Frisbee, so we wore her out too!

By dinner and bedtime, we were sunned-out and a little cranky.  It was a long, PERFECT day.

I did a lot of watching yesterday.  I watched my kids play and interact with each other.  I watched their eyes as they danced with joy.  I watched their tiny little souls as they swam, splashed and laughed.  And I wasn't just watching.  I was seeing.

I could see that no matter what we go through, we can make the best of any situation, as long as we're together.  The three of us have a bond like no other, and it can never be torn apart.

Never.

I could see, I mean really see, that the kind of love we have is beyond circumstances and hard times.  I could see my beautiful daughters being care-free, and loving every minute of our day together.  Everything else that went on in the world around us was gone - if only for a day.

It's hard to look into the heart and really see.  Sometimes we forget that our heart holds the key to life, both physical and emotional.  We get so caught up in the day to day, with all of the rules and stipulations on how to be, how to act, how to feel.

It was just what I needed to forget all of that yesterday while we were playing.

It's times like these that I wish I could look back on in a magic crystal ball and recapture them.  Relive them.

As time marches on, and our lives change, I begin to see inside my own heart.  I begin to see my full potential. I see security and confidence where there was once apprehension and uncertainty.  I see joy and immense happiness for the good things that are to come.

While I am just beginning the process of healing and moving on, the more I see, the more I awaken.

And it's a beautiful sight.

Endless

Sometimes I wonder why life happens the way it does.

When I started this blog, I was looking for an outlet and a way to express my life, as it was, and to continue to find the blessings in it, despite the circumstances.

The responses from you, the reader, have been overwhelming.  The love and support I have received as I've taken you on my journey through motherhood and my experiences is amazing.

No matter what happens in my life, good or bad, I have learned that there is always a greater plan.  There is always life after loss, healing after pain, joy after sorrow.  There is never a reason to give up, or give in.

I know these things now more than ever.

The friendships I have are endless.

My love for my children is endless.

The blessings I see when I open my eyes every day are endless.

The grace and mercy I have been given are endless.

I have such peace about the next chapter and have finally accepted that life as I knew it before is no longer.  I have begun to see a glimpse of my life to come, and it is BEAUTIFUL.


There's no other way to be, no other way to think.  God is good.  He continues to amaze me every single day as I walk this journey, completely blinded by what's around the next corner.


He is faithful.

Although the next chapter of my journey is unclear to me, I believe that what lies ahead is something wonderful.  I will continue to walk with my head held high, proud of the wife I was and the mother that I am.  I will not walk into the future with fear, but with hope and anticipation of things and events that are beyond my comprehension of happiness as I knew it.


I know this is a short post, but I need to get back to it.


God's blessings are endless.


The future, the promises are endless.

Didn't I Earn Some Money Today?!

Wednesday June 13, 2012

Hannah's on a "I'll do all my chores, plus a few extra, and then I'll get paid a TON of money" kick.

So, today she did her regular chores: she made her bed, and her sister's bed, she cleaned her room, put her dirty laundry in the hamper, cleaned up her toys in the living room and helped me with a few things.

Obviously I haven't taught her the difference between everyday "expected" chores (that you don't get paid for) and the extra ones that you do get paid for.

Nonetheless, I had agreed to pay her what I could for her efforts.

As I looked around while on her "tour of chores", I noticed that she did an pretty good job!

Her and her sister's beds were nicely made.

Her room had nothing on the floor - (everything was shoved under their beds).

Her laundry was properly placed in the hamper - (including clean clothes from her many daily wardrobe changes.  I guess she didn't feel inspired to hang them back up).

The living room was picked up - everything seemed to be where it belonged.

And she did do a great job helping me with a few things today.

So, just before bed, she says to me, "Mommy, are you ever going to pay me for doing my chores today?"

I tried to explain the difference between the chores we need to do everyday and not get paid for, and the extra chores we do to earn money...  It was NOT the right moment.

So, I dug into my wallet and pulled out 3 dollars.

When I handed them to her, I explained that I knew it wasn't much, but it was the perfect amount for a 6 year old that did such a great job with her chores today.

I was told I "was the best mommy ever."

I told her that she earned the money and she should be proud of herself for doing good things that day.

She then went on to say (picture one side of her mouth slightly cocked, eyes on me, shoulders shrugged, slightly talking through her teeth), "I mean, I asked for one or five or ten.  Three wasn't really an option, but it's JUST perfect!  It really makes you the best Mom EVER!"

I busted out laughing!

5 minutes later, Ava comes running out of her bedroom and exclaims, "Mommy!  Hannah gave me a dollar!!"

"WOW!" I said.  "That's a lot of money!"

She said, "I know! I have the best sissy EVA"!

Hannah walks up & says, "Mom, I know I did all the work today, but when I was counting all of my money Ava got sad that she didn't have as much as me.  I felt bad for her and didn't want her to feel lonely at all, so I gave her a dollar so she wouldn't be lonely."

Sheesh!

So, I guess I'm the best Mommy ever, and my girls are the best sissies ever - and I already know I have the best daughters ever.

Yes, they both earned some money today.

And they totally won my heart... again.

Proud Day

This past week was filled with emotions.

Thursday, in particular, was filled with tremendous pride.

It was Hannah's Kindergarten Graduation.  Her teacher had a ceremony planned complete with a skit, skills and a Kindergarten growth book - pictures, writings, and accomplishments from beginning to end.

It. Was. Amazing.

Ava and I were the first to arrive.  I got the times mixed up and showed up 25 minutes early.  So, we sat in our seat in the front row and waited.

Hannah's teacher had chairs set up in rows, filling the classroom.

When everyone else arrived, there were more parents, grandparents and siblings than we had chairs. The overflow was sitting on the counter under the windows, and all the way to the back of the room.

As the room fell silent, Pomp and Circumstance started playing. One by one, the girls made their way into the classroom, filing up the middle of the crowd.

They were in line alphabetically, and Hannah was nearer the end.  When I saw her walk down that aisle, beautiful long blonde hair, one small braid on the right side, beautiful black sequin shirt and the BEAMING smile as she searched out her Mommy and Sissy... my guts froze up and the heat hit my face.  I felt tears welling up, and to save embarrassment to Hannah, I choked them back.

As the program went along, the girls did a skit, each one having her own role.

Hannah's role in the skit, of course, consisted of a flower, and READING.

The girl LOVES to read.

That's an understatement.

After the skit concluded, it was time to hand out the diplomas.  Yes, I am still talking about Kindergarten.

This was Hannah when she received her diploma:

She keeps telling me she can't wait to drive a car.


And get married.


And have children of her own.


... She reminds me SO much of myself.


I realize there isn't much I can do to slow this down, or convince her that all of those things will come in time and season.


So I thought instead that I would embrace this moment, put it in a bottle and take the lid off once in a while to remember this time that she is so innocent, perfect, young and precious.


That's the best I can do.

And steer her in the right way.


I will try to remind her to focus on what is here and now.  Her sports, her friends, her grades.


Her ONLY jobs right now are to be a kid, get good grades, and have a GREAT time doing it.


The rest will fall into place.


But I remember being so young and wanting so much more.


I get it.  


For now, I'm going to remember these things:

Do you see these girls sitting in a group, holding their diplomas?  At this point in the ceremony, I couldn't hold my emotions in anymore.


I was sitting there with tears streaming down my face.


I kept wiping them away, hoping another wouldn't fall for fear that I would embarrass Hannah.


Not so much.


I had been in her classroom throughout the school year to give presentations to the class.  All of those girls know me.  And Ava - she always comes along too!


So, when they saw tears streaming down my face, uncontrollably (I was not sobbing, or making a scene), I noticed the girls were nudging Hannah.  I could hear their whispers, "Hannah! Your Mom is crying!"


The next thing I knew, Hannah shot me "the look".


I looked her in the eye and mouthed the words, "I'm sorry", followed by a wink and smile.


She responded with a thumbs up.


She knows her Mama!


Afterward, I crouched down and told her how PROUD I am of her - that she is my whole heart.


She explained to me that she knew my tears were happy tears and it was okay.  She said the other girls just love me so much and they don't know me like she does so she had to explain to them that her Mama cries when she's happy too!


I almost started up again, and told myself to BUCK UP!


I gave her a hug and sent her back to hug her friends.


The girls' teacher had a surprise field trip to the ice cream shop afterward to reward them for all of their hard work throughout the year.


We walked to the ice cream shop, ate ice cream together and went home.

Isn't she stunning?


And she loves her baby sister.  So much.


To sum it up, I have seen recitals, first steps, first words and a TON of other milestones in her life.


Nothing could prepare me for Kindergarten Graduation.


If I blink, I'll be sitting at her High School Graduation.


There was a time when I couldn't wait for her to enter the next "phase"... Just because I knew what life can bring and I was hoping she could skip all of the crud in the middle.  

The crud builds character and strength.  The crud helps her see a clear path for her life. 

The crud brings success.


I will be here, blubbering and all, through everything.  The crud. The friends. The diplomas.


Everything.


I can't wait to share every single one of these moments with her.


And then again with her sissy.


I am truly blessed.

Toothless Wonder (95/366)

Well, not really yet.  But Hannah did finally lose the other bottom tooth...

And like the other one, she was at her Bumpa & Gwi Gwi's ~

I missed it.

Again.

I got a text message at 2:00 on Saturday afternoon with Hannah's picture.  The text read, "Hey Mama, it's Hannah.  Notice anything missing?"

I was immediately bummed and excited for her - all at the same time.

I guess she was just wiggling, playing with it and it just popped out.

So from now on, when my kids have loose teeth, they're going to Bumpa & Gwi Gwi's.  By the end of the weekend, those teeth will be out for sure!

Lonely (94/366)

So this JUST happened... and I had to write it down and share it.

Ava's in the tub and she ready to get out.  So I go over, wash her up and wrap her in the bath towel. 

She says, "Pick me up".  I love cradling a freshly washed baby.

As we're leaving the bathroom to go to her bedroom for jammies, I say, "I just love my baby girl.  Are you my baby girl?"

She says, "Yes - with a big cheesy grin."

Then she proceeds with, "Mommy, when I was on the vroom vroom (quad), I was far away from home.  I was far away.  Far, far away."

As we sit on her bed, me still cradling her, I respond with, "Yes, you were, but I was right here waiting for you to get home!"

Her comback, "I know Mommy. You never weave (leave) me. But when I was on the vroom vroom I was far, far away and I was wonewy (lonely)."

She has the most serious look in her eyes, but I know she is making this up as she goes.

I looked at her and we both busted out laughing!!!  I told her she was such a goof, to which she replied, "I am not a goof, Mama! I am Ava Gracie!"

To which I replied with how so very much I love her.

Oh my gosh.  She stole my heart again!

A Brother's Love (93/366)

Two weeks ago, my older brother celebrated his birthday.  On this day, I wished him a very happy day.  He is so blessed in so many ways - and he returns those blessings on other people.

I've often thought about all he and I have been through over the years.  Yes, I have two brothers, but my little brother's birthday isn't until August, so I'll save that post for, well, August!

My older brother and I are 3 years apart.  Almost to the day.

I remember as a middle-schooler, he was a Freshman in High School and he always had the coolest clothes.  Of course, he had a job to buy those clothes with.  He delivered pizza with my mom's Geo Tracker - I still cannot forget the smell when we got into the car after he had been delivering pizzas for 6 hours the night before.  Ewww!

Anyway, back to the clothes - he had this one pair of Guess jeans.  I LOVED those jeans.  At the time I was going through a "grungy" phase, so it seemed appropriate that I would wear his jeans that were a little too big for me, and had started ripping out in the knees.  Every chance I got to put those jeans on I did.  I'd wait until they were laying in the dirty laundry pile and wear them for days.  When he finally realized they weren't clean and put back in his dresser, he figured out really quickly where they were.  One day after school, he busted me!  He got so mad and yelled, "Kris! If you don't take those jeans off right now I'll rip them off of you!"  He got his jeans back... sometimes.

Then came High School for me. I want to say I was in 9th or 10th grade, which would make him either a senior, or just out of school.  He was still delivering pizzas.  And he had met a girl at work that he was CRAZY about!  I mean NUTSO!  But she had a boyfriend.  Like a very long time boyfriend.  As I was sitting in my room late on school nights, listening to music, he would come in to my room after he got out of work and ask me what he should do about this girl that had a boyfriend that he loved so much.  All on his own, he put flowers on her car (she thanked her boyfriend for those... they weren't from him :\), he made mixed tapes for her (actually I did - he just took the credit), and eventually bought her a promise ring when she finally agreed to go on a date with him.  Of course, she and her boyfriend had broken up by this point, and my brother seized the moment.  I'm pretty sure he gave her that promise ring before they were even "official".  I told him he was crazy and rushing things.  He didn't listen.

He proposed to her on Bozeman Mountain in Montana on a vacation they took with some of their friends.  She had bought brand new, not broken in hiking boots before the trip and was crippled with blisters.  When he asked her to walk just feet from where she was resting (to a more scenic view), she yelled at him!  They have this on video tape.  When she finally conceded (he's stubborn and didn't give up), he got down on one knee and proposed.  She cried, he cried, their friends cried - we cried when we saw the video. 

This fall marks their 12th wedding anniversary.  They have 3 year old twin daughters, and another miracle baby on the way.  He is an amazing daddy and husband (still no lack of stubbornness).

Through the years, we've been in different places - and we've grown apart some.  But not in a bad way.  We just both have our own lives and very busy schedules.  He is good friends with my husband and the four of us (before kids) had some AMAZINGLY FUN times together.

As you know, I didn't grow up with a sister.  As life goes on, it doesn't really matter.  I like my brothers.  They're all I know.  And I know that now, in (almost) mid-life, there's no distance or circumstance that can keep us from being there for each other in the most important, troubling, special, happy, sad or what may you times.

Happy Birthday Old Man Brother!  I hope it was happy, and blessed.  You are such a blessing to so many, including your little sister!  Thanks for everything - I love you.

A Brief Hiatus (92/366)

Tuesday April 17, 2012

I realize it has been almost 2 weeks since I blogged last.  A lot has been going on here and I haven't had the time or the energy to blog.  Thus, my goal of blogging every day for a year has failed. 

That's a really tall order.

Nonetheless, I thought I could do it.

I'm not going to be too terribly hard on myself for not making it... I can try again.  I will keep blogging when I have the time.  I may pick back up and publish some of the things I have written while I was taking a break, but I'll need to think about that.  Thank you for reading...

There are a lot of issues being talked about right now - one of them very near and dear to my heart ~

Stay-at-home-moms and their value in this world.

I think this is a great debate.  I have been on both sides of the table and currently I am the stay-at-home variety.

But not by choice.  Let me explain:

Before I had kids, my heart long desired to be a stay-at-home mom. After I had my first daughter, the very first night, I knew I could never do it. So, I was happy working 40-50 hours a week, the daycare we chose for the girls was top-notch and absolutely amazing (no, not the Taj Mahal, but two sweet little old ladies who had been in childcare their whole lives, and were MIRACLE WORKERS with the patience of Job ~ they were SO good with my "special" colicky babies).

3 years ago, I quit my job (that I LOVED) of 8 years to pursue an opportunity with a different company (who, in fact, pursued me).  Four months into that new job, I found out I was pregnant with my second baby.  I was on part time disability for most of the pregnancy, and suffered severe postpartum depression after she was born, and  I was off work for 4 months.  When I returned to work, I was rejuvenated, energized and rocking my job.  6 weeks after my return to work, I was called in to the boss' office on a Wednesday morning at 10:30 am.  I was told that they were shrinking their sales force and enlarging their territories, so I was out.  I cried, my manager cried, and the HR Manager that was there cried.  It was a hard day.  I was put in a position without choice, still recovering from PPD, and it. was. tough. And that's putting it mildly. 

Nonetheless, I struck out, eager to find new work.  In the late summer/fall of 2009, this was NOT an easy task.  The unemployment rate was sky high, and there were hundreds of thousands of people in my same boat.  I was applying for all kinds of work - but knowing that I needed a certain income to cover daycare costs, and replace the company vehicle and gas that I had just lost.  I was repeatedly turned down.  My resume matched some of those job descriptions to a T, yet they hired a "candidate whose qualifications more closely match the position".  So, I took this as sign.

Eventually I found my way at home.  We had playdates, I struggled to juggle the housework, the bills, the groceries, doctor appointments, dentist appointments, the errands, the kids ~ sick and healthy, myself ~ sick and healthy, grandparents, evening events, sports, dance, school, friends, family and everything in-between.  Remember, I didn't have a husband at home during the week - it was just me and the girls.  All day. Every day.  I did, however, have a TON of help from my parents, my in-laws who live close, my friends (with and without kids) - I knew that whatever I needed I just had to ask for it.  And I did.

Yet I still searched for work.  To no avail.  I was told on numerous occasions how blessed I was to be able to stay at home and what an incredible value that would add to my girls' lives.  I was told how I could never get this time back, never ever ever and how absolutely precious it was.  I kept thinking, "Are they 10 & 13 yet, or 18 & 15?  Time!  Would 'ja hurry up?!"

Here I am, 3 years later, and I'm still not adjusted.  I often wonder how I ever did it.  Take all of those "duties" listed above "the housework, the bills, the groceries, doctor appointments, dentist appointments, the errands, the kids ~ sick and healthy, myself ~ sick and healthy, grandparents, evening events, sports, dance, school, friends, family and everything in-between" and add 40-50 hours of work to it.  Sure, some things suffered while I was working, and others suffer while I am at home. 

Like me. 

I don't wear makeup everyday, I don't do my hair everyday.  No, I don't stay in my pajamas - I actually shower and get dressed, but I don't wear heels anymore, or black dress pants and blouses.  While I was working, the housework suffered (a little).  It's a give and take.  It's about priorities.

During neither phase of my life ~ working or not ~ have my kids suffered.  They were in a wonderful daycare with caregivers that loved them as if they were their own.  And at home, they're with their Mama.  And they looooooove their Mama.  So so very much.  And they tell me every day just how much.  Sometimes they'll even tell me that they don't, just so I'll tell them that I do, and how much, and we laugh and giggle and tickle until we hug and kiss.  Sometimes the girls argue over who loves me the most.

I'm okay with that.

I don't want to get into the debate over which is better - stay at home moms or working moms.  I don't think it matters.  The commonality that those two titles have is the word "MOM".  Some of us don't have a choice but to work, because our household requires the income.  Some of us don't have the choice but to be at home, because the economy is not kind.  Others choose to work, and are perfectly happy with daycare or family members helping out with childcare.  And I don't think our kids are any worse or better off for that.  Some women choose to stay at home and they base their budgets and lifestyles around that choice.  I don't think our kids are any worse or better off for that choice either.

You can look at statistics all day long.  It doesn't really matter, does it?  If we, as moms, put forth our best effort every minute of every day (ok, yes, sometimes I take breaks too) whether we're working or at home, won't our kids turn out however they're going to turn out?  I'm not a worse mom because I'm at home everyday with my girls.  I wasn't a better mom when I was working full time.

I am the same mom that I have been since my daughters we born.  The same.

The same loving, caring, disciplining, nurturing and amazingly protective mom.  It is up to me to find the best care for them ~ whether it's me or someone else doing the "caring".  It's up to me, as their parent ~ working or not ~ to ensure a proper upbringing for them.

I've been on both sides.  There are positives and negatives on both sides.  My neighbor's situation is different than mine.  My girlfriend's lives are different than mine.  Everyone has their own unique situation and they base their decision (whether it's their choice or not, in my case) on the solution that's best for their family. 

No one should judge that choice.  We should appreciate one another for where we are, and who we are. 

We should celebrate each other as mothers.

Losing Everything (91/366)

Tuesday April 3, 2012

What's important in life is different with each person you ask.  In the scheme of life, it changes as the years pass.  From your family, to your personal goals, to your spouse, to your house, to your kids and on, it will change.

It also changes as the circumstances in life change.

An illness, big health care bills, loss of a spouse or job, or just plain 'ol big life changes - these can all affect how we view what's important.

Lately, more & more American families have had to review what is most important in their lives.  From the horrific storms in the Midwest and South, to the crumbling economy, many are facing the loss of... everything.

While we experience these tragedies in life, we take stock of what we have left, and what we are to do with what's left.

We look at our current, dire situation and think of where we were just 24 hours, two weeks or 2 years ago and it. is. crushing.  No matter how we got to where we are now, we're here, and there's no other option but to go on.

How we handle loss differs from person to person as well.  Many choose to pray for answers, and hope.  Others can be quite destructive in their grief, compounding the most already devastating situation.  No matter how we deal with it, the situation still exists, and we must go through it.

Getting through times like these in life is much easier said than done.  We cannot do it alone.  We need other people to lean on, to give advice, to listen.  We need others with certain skills based on their own life experiences, we need them to be non-judgemental and love us - no matter where we are, or how we got there.  It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel...  I've been there with my own experiences, and at times it seemed impossible.

Sometimes, just a smile, a nice gesture, an understanding nod, a phone call just to say "Hi" are all that are needed to brighten someone's day.  We never know what our neighbor, our parents, our co-worker or brother or sister are going through.  We don't need to know details.  We don't need to know personal things that some like to keep private.  We need to remember that in all times in life, someone you meet everyday is looking at the sure fact that they are going to lose everything.

Those gestures and smiles will help to remind them that everything really isn't everything. Yeah, we've all heard, "At least you have your health," or "At least you still have your family."  While these may seem cliche at the time they're said, it's true.  We've all heard the saying that when God closes one door, He opens another.  If we all look back on our lives, there have been tough times for all of us that seemed insurmountable.  Somehow we made it through and our lives took a turn that brought us to where we are today.  Do you remember the shoulder you cried on?  Do you remember the person who sat on the phone with you, pumping you full of hope and promise?  Do you remember the bible verses that gave you renewed faith?

These are the things we need to pass on to others in their time of need.  Sometimes they ask for help, but not everyone is comfortable doing so.  Sometimes we just need to stop being so focused on our own lives (especially when things are good) and look to others and see the signs.  Make gestures that aren't provoked by request.  Send a note, snail mail, to someone telling them you're thinking about them.  Call them, even if you have to leave a voice mail, and don't expect a call back.  Answer the phone when they do call, and set aside time to just listen.

There are so many people right now that are in the midst of losing everything.  If you're reading this and you're one of them, just know that there is a dry side to that lake that's drowning you right now.  There's hope for your future.  There are better things just waiting for you to grab.  
It's life.

It happens.

Just hang on to what you do have (it's NOT nothing - each one of us has something left) and know that you aren't losing everything.  Try to focus on what your everything is right now.

Today I'm thankful that I've learned how to see what I have left - to see the blessing through tragedy.  Though not always easy, I've come a long way in not wallowing in my sorrows.

Here are lyrics to a song I want you to read. I have seen these lyrics posted SO many times recently.  Just read them, pray them and feel them.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Can I Borrow Your Hat? (90/366)

Monday April 2, 2012

Often times in life we have a role to play and we get very comfortable with that role.

Wife, Mother, Colleague, Employee, CEO, Father, etc.

We tend to pick one "dominant" role and in the meantime we forget the incredible number of other roles we actually do play on a daily basis.

I find this fascinating... especially on an exhausting day when I feel I can do no more, and another 3 hours have passed without my notice because I've been role playing some more.

I also find this hard to believe as my roles change on a regular basis.

Normally, my two biggest roles are Mom and Dad - from Monday to Friday while my husband is at work, out of state and not to return until the weekend.

Lately, I've had to scale back the role of Dad as my daughters' daddy is home every night after work due to a rare, and short-lived stint working close to home.

While I have grown accustomed to playing both of these roles (I've been doing it for almost 4 years now), it is difficult to make the switch back to normalcy.  I've wondered for quite some time what normalcy is - for us, it's different than most.  As I've stated before, I am a Married Single Mother.

Using that title, I would never want to take the glory away from true single parents as I believe they have an incredible gift that only others in their shoes can even begin to understand.

A true single parent doesn't have their spouse just a phone call away, as I do.

A true single parent rarely gets breaks, as I get breaks when I ask for help, or when my better half is home on the weekend.

A true single parent must rely on their own resources to fund the household and support their children - my husband does that for us (bless his heart).

A true single parent has (hopefully, if you're doing it right) found the joy in leading the many roles they must play, with no end in sight, no help in sight, no relief in sight.

Let's be honest, parenting is the most challenging role we will ever play in our entire lives.  It's harder than being a spouse, or employee, or CEO.  We have these little tiny lives in our hands that we must mold and shape into beautiful, functioning adults.  There is no task greater than that in my opinion.

I have good days and bad days.  Often times I will call my husband at the end of one of those bad days to vent.  But he's not here so I can imagine it is incredibly hard for him to help, if even over the phone.  Many two-parent households have the gift of coming home at the end of those types of days and holding each other, comforting face-to-face, and sharing laughter to try to wipe away the day's hardships.

Single parents don't get that.

All they have is themselves, and those little tiny lives they are entrusted with to raise up.  They must mask the feelings of defeat, hurt, frustration, anger, sadness and overwhelming exhaustion to appear strong and capable to the little people looking to them every second of every day to learn how to be, how to live.

My good days far outnumber the bad, but even if you have that comfort of your partner that walks through the door each evening after a long day, we all have bad parenting days.  Whether you stay at home with your kids, or you hold down a job, we all have bad days.  Days when we feel we are the worst parent in the whole world and we ask why God would trust someone like me with these precious children.

Our common ground as parents, single or two-parent houses, is that we just keep going.  We look to the next 5 minutes to be better than the last, and the next day to refresh and renew us to try again.  We must put on the hat of courage and look forward to doing it better.  Being a parent is incredibly challenging... and uber-incredibly rewarding.

The rewards are watching our children fill with joy when they accomplish something new or difficult.  The rewards are in the good days, when everything falls into place.  And selfishly, the rewards are the feelings of accomplishment and pride we as parents get at the end of those good days.

It's hard to remember how many roles we play in a single day.  I can count numerous roles in my own day, but I consider myself less of a "Super Mom" than some of my friends around me.  Don't get me wrong, I find great value in what I do, and it shows in my children.  But sometimes when I look around I wonder, "How does she do that?!"  It's hard not to compare ourselves with other parents as we look around, but everyone plays different roles based on their family's needs.  I've found that over recent months I've had to scale back on the amount of comparing I am actually doing.  It's not fair, mostly to myself, that I take this role or that role and ask why I can't do them. 

Another role we must remember to play, as if we need another, is ourselves.  Let's not lose our own identity in the hustle & bustle of playing the million other roles each day.  Remember to take time for yourself - real good quality time.  A good workout, a new hairdo (without the kids waiting in the chair next to you), a night out with friends or even a short vacation with friends (minus the kids) - all of these things will refresh and at times reinvent the parent you are.  I've written about it before, but it's amazing what a nice hard break from parenting will do to your morale and abilities as a parent, single or otherwise.

I could go on & on, but for fear of losing you to my ramble and knowing you are smart readers and get the point I'm trying to make, I will conclude by saying that I am thankful for the many hats I wear.  Some hats get worn and must be thrown away.  Sometimes, we must borrow a hat from a friend, and most often, as life changes and evolves, we get new hats.  Being a parent has been the most challenging, rewarding and eye-opening experience I've ever had.  And I will be a parent for the rest of my kids' lives - and hopefully continue to grow and change.

The proof will be in my children when they're grown.  So far so good. 

Up And Coming (89/366)

Sunday April 1, 2012

I'd like to let you know of a few posts that I have in the works to publish soon.

Some of these subjects are near and dear to me, some are near and dear to others who have expressed concern to me of certain areas of their lives - and I have some perspective on those areas.

Step Moms - A Surprise Blessing
An Excerpt From My Childhood Diary
My Plate Is Full! But I've Room For Dessert...
Unplug Your Plug In

I've been working on these for some time, and as they are completed I will publish them.  This is part of the new direction I am taking with this blog.

I am very excited about the new direction, but I will say I probably picked the wrong week to make it happen. 

With Spring Break starting tomorrow, I will have both kids at home with me all day.  I won't have one in school and one napping - which is when I usually write.

So, I will do my best, but in the meantime will keep plugging away at these topics.  I've received a lot of feedback already (all positive) on the new direction, and I appreciate the loyal readers.

Today, I'm thankful that my brain has clicked on - as far as writing goes.  I'm so excited and inspired by the feedback and suggestions I have received.

I'm Ready (88/366)

Saturday March 31, 2012

I'm ready.

I don't know what has taken me so long.  The list of excuses is a mile long.

But I am SOOO ready.

One thing that's hard for some women to talk about (myself included) is our WEIGHT.

I've shared in the past just how much weight I gained, lost, and then gained again throughout both of my pregnancies.  I don't blame the fact that I was pregnant.  I blame the fact that I used my pregnant condition to eat everything in sight.

For 10 months.

Both times.

Before I had kids, I never needed to work out, or watch what I ate.  I was a comfortable 125 before I got married.

After I got married, I gained the Freshman 10... Most people gain the Freshman 15 in their first year of college.  I gained mine the first year of marriage - at the ripe old age of 21.

But I was still very comfortable.

So, 7 years has passed since I was first pregnant, and I have never gone back to that weight.

But the point of this post is to say that I am ready. 

We aren't having any more kids.  There's no more excuses or reasons for me to NOT lose these last few (or more) pounds.

Last year at this time, I lost 30 pounds all on my own through working out, eating better and ZUMBA - I love Zumba!  Who doesn't have 1 hour to kill 1,000 calories or more?  It's so much fun!!

I kept those pounds off, and have lost another 10-ish in the year since. 

Starting next Monday, I am back to the treadmill, Zumba, and just having an overall active life.

It won't hurt that we are getting our new puppy in 2 weeks!!

So, wish me luck, and keep the encouragement coming.  I'm in the home stretch, and I'm hoping this year will be the best year yet - and every year after this will be a little easier.

Today, I'm thankful for a renewed sense of motivation, and for the motivation I will receive from others when I feel I have none.

103 Posts Ago... (87/366)

Friday March 30, 2012

This is a neat feature that I learned from Single Dad Laughing.  Each day when he publishes, at the top of his blog is the feature "500 Posts Ago".  It's a flashback to posts that were so long ago, and it breathes new life into the blog.

So, I thought I would start with my most popular posts, and expand on them.  I am now on Twitter (@Rairighk) and I share my blog posts with the rest of the world that can't see them on Facebook.  This is in an effort to grow my blog and get it out there.  Someday, maybe it will be in the right hands and go further than just my own computer screen!

103 posts ago I wrote about Postpartum Depression (PPD), and gave a shortened version of what we went through (you can read it here).  This was my very first blog post and at the time I wrote it, my youngest baby was 18 months old.  I was still experiencing symptoms, I was seeing a therapist weekly and I was on antidepressants.

Since that time, I have learned so much about PPD and how to overcome it.  I can honestly say that PPD has affected me permanently - by that I mean that while I don't still suffer from symptoms directly, it has forever altered how I view motherhood.

Whether that was my choice to allow PPD to do that, or it happened naturally, I feel that the PPD I experienced after the birth of my first daughter was mis-diagnosed, and not treated properly.

The world of Postpartum Depression is broad, and each woman who suffers from it experiences a variance of symptoms.  While traumatic for me, I consider mine on the minor side.

I have since learned more about not only PPD, but Postpartum Psychosis (PPSD) and other disorders that sway to the extreme side of instability after having a baby.

Many women are ashamed of not feeling like the mother that their friends, neighbors, family and society are, or tell them they should be.  It is a haunting disease and unless you or someone you know has experienced it, you could never possibly understand.

If you or someone you know are experiencing PPD or PPSD, please reach out.  Start with your doctor.  Make sure you tell your spouse, your best friend, your Mom.  I know it's hard to talk about, it's SO hard to explain the feelings that you are experiencing, but you cannot remain silent. 

There is so much joy and life to live with your baby, your spouse, your other children and this disease will eat you alive.  If you do not get the support you need from your doctor, your family or your friends, keep searching.  Find the strength to keep going every day - and keep searching for an out.  Below are a couple of resources that may help point you in the right direction:

The Online PPMD Support Group - this page has a link to live support, and they will search for support in your area, free of charge.  There is also a crisis hotline listed on this page.

Postpartum Support International - another easy to maneuver website with links to support in your area, and a network of women having the same experiences.

Thank you for reading (again). I am thankful that I am able to share my experiences - it has taken a long time for me to come to grips with my "new" life as a mother.  Here's another link to Flashbacks To Losing It. If it helps just one new mother, then my goal was accomplished.

Please share this post in your circles.  Statistics show that 1 in 8 new mothers experience some form of PPD or PPSD.  Motherhood is such an amazing miracle and gift from our Creator.  This disease robs all of us from experiencing that joy - so hopefully together we can heal.

Skittles For Lunch (86/366)

Thursday March 29, 2012

I've never professed to be a perfect mom - in fact, I'm super-far from it!

Some days I do my best...

Others, I am a wee bit of a slacker.

Like today.

We got up this morning and got ready for Hannah to head to school.  When she got on the bus (an accident-free journey today, unlike yesterday), I sat down to inhale a cup of coffee or two.

Ava and I headed out to "The Car Store", our local bodyshop for a long overdue oil change.

An hour later, we were headed to the grocery store.

Another hour later, we were headed home.  I could've gone for McDonald's for lunch, but Pink Slime isn't on the menu today.

I figured we would make sandwiches or something at home before I put Ava down for her nap.

While my phone wouldn't stop ringing, I ended up being in one conversation or another for over an hour.  At this time, it was 12:30.

The entire time I was yacking away on the phone, Ava was happily seated on the living room floor eating a bag of Skittles that I had bought her in the grocery checkout lane to keep her content - she had been getting restless in the store as her lunch and naptimes were drawing ever near.

I realized at this point I had 3 hours until we needed to leave to pick Hannah up and head to dance class.

"If I feed her lunch now," I thought, "It will be at least an hour before she's done eating, and I have to wake her by 3 so we can leave by 3:30..."

So I dropped the gauntlet.

And for the next 10 minutes I tried convincing her that naps were good, that I hate taking naps too, that I understand her plight...

As I laid her in bed, she was still finishing the last two Skittles.  She washed them down with her sippy cup of ice water, I kissed her goodnight and left the room.

No, I don't have a sinking feeling in my gut because I didn't feed my kid lunch today.

No, I don't care that this one time she went down for a nap with skittles on her teeth.

Ava is the least hungry kid that I've ever known.  She never asks for food.  Most other days, we eat as healthy and balanced as our budget will provide.  But yes, sometimes us girls have cereal for dinner.

So what?!

It is what it is.  Sometimes that happens.  I'm not sorry.

Ava is no worse for the wear because she didn't get a big balanced meal for lunch today.  And it will most likely happen many more times in the years to come.

I did it.

You did it.

I'm alive.

You're alive.

I think sometimes we as parents put waaaaaay too much of society's pressure on ourselves to consistently give the BEST ALL OF THE TIME. 

I think we forget to live.

I think we get a little farther away from reality.

Yes, most of the time our children (and ourselves) need healthy balanced meals, they need strict guidelines from their parents, they need rules, they need structure.

But seriously, that's NO FUN.

So, let's relax a little.  No, I'm not suggesting that you give your kid Skittles for lunch any day.  That's up to you.

But I am suggesting that we just CHILL. 

Don't you think better kids come from chill parents than super uptight-rulesy ones?

I can't wait to send my beautiful princesses next door to roll in the mud with those 4 roudy neighbor boys.

I will be right there filming and taking pictures - laughing right along with them.

(And then I'll go home and cry about the fact that their most mud-worthy playclothes are still in stellar condition, and I now have to throw them away).  But no one will see that!

I'm thankful for the opportunity to NOT take life so seriously sometimes.

It's really fun.  You should try it!

How Precious Life Is (85/366)

Wednesday March 28, 2012

BIG scare today! 

After I got Hannah on the bus, I sat in bed drinking a cup of coffee, watching The Today Show.  My phone rang around 8:50 AM, and when I looked at the caller ID, it was Hannah's school.

My first thought was oh, geez, she got bus-sick again!  So, when I answered, an automated message said the following:

"Bus #xx has been involved in a traffic accident.  All students and the bus driver are unharmed.  More details to come later."

Ummm, WHAT?!

My heart leaped into my throat.  My first instinct was to totally FREAK OUT!  So, I called my husband and the first words I said to him (frantically) were, "Ok, just listen to what I tell you then tell me to calm down and then tell me what to do."

He listened patiently, and when I was finished with the story, he told me to calm down and call the school.  So I did.

I was told that there would be a counselor at the school to meet the kids when they got off the bus that picked them up from the accident, and that the school would contact any individual parents of children that were having a particularly hard time.

RED FLAG!!  REALLY?! If it was a simple accident/fender bender, why would the kids need a counselor?

So I called my neighbor who has kids that ride the bus with Hannah.  I assumed she would know.  She always knows.  And she usually has TONS of details.

She didn't know.

Between her phone calls and mine, we figured out what happened.

The bus stopped 1/4 mile from my house to pick up 2 kids.  Just before the bus driver locked the bus brakes to stop the bus and open the door, a car traveling at full speed (55-60 mph) didn't see the bus and plowed into the back of it.

The car was driven by a 19 year old girl and she was the only passenger.  I don't know what she was doing, there were no skid marks indicating she tried to stop, and the entire front end of the passenger side of her car was underneath the bus.

Had the bus not been pulled to the side of the road, she would have been decapitated. 

Had she been positioned 6 inches more to the right on the road, she would have been decapitated.

(Photos Courtesty of woodtv.com)

As it turns out, she jumped out of her car and ran through the yard where the accident took place.  She was bloody from cuts, her arm was clearly broken and her neck was already swollen from what appeared to be some severe whiplash.  She was concerned about how her dad would react to her having wrecked the car.  I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt on this one and say she was in shock - I'd like to think she was horrified that she hit a bus-full of young elementary school students, and not at all worried about her car.

The bus driver said that had she locked the bus brakes, most or all of the kids on board would have sustained pretty serious injuries.  They would have been thrown about the bus like marbles in a bag.  Instead, the kids did all jerk forward and hit their faces or their heads on the seats in front of each one them.

Had the driver of the car swerved to the left to miss the bus, she would have hit an oncoming car.

Had she swerved to the right to miss the bus, she would have run over the 2 kids waiting to board the bus.

I called Hannah's teacher and spoke with her just after Hannah got to school.  She was a little shaken up, but okay.  I figured if I went to the school to see her, she would have fallen apart.  So, I just asked her teacher to keep an eye on her and if there were any problems that she call me right away.

As the morning went on, I couldn't stand the fact that I hadn't laid hands or eyes on my sweet baby girl.  At Hannah's lunch time, Ava and I made a trip to the school to see her.

All of the kids swarmed us. I got hugs from at least half of Hannah's classmates.  Ava was poked, prodded, tickled, touched and hugged on too.  And when I saw Hannah, I fell apart.  Not Hannah - she was strong as a rock, seemingly unaffected by what had happened.

Of course, I couldn't let her see me fall apart, so I quickly composed myself and just hugged her.

I know, I know, given that everyone was okay I should have been a little less emotional about the whole thing.  But with all of the phone calls, the texts, the calls to school, the bus garage, my husband, my mom and mother in law, etc. I was so worked up and just needed to SEE her.  I just needed to see that she was handling what happened alright.  It was her first vehicle accident, and I'm sure seeing the other car trapped under the bus, and seeing the young girl bloody and running through our neighbor's yard was somewhat traumatic.

But she was fine.  She was happy to see her sissy and me, and she was fine.

I can't say that I've ever experienced the panic/fear/worry/concern/eager/curious emotions that I felt all at once today wondering if Hannah was alright.  I know the phone call said there were no injuries, but for a 6 year old something like that is scary!

The Lord was looking out for the kids on the bus, the bus driver, my neighbor's kids waiting on the lawn to board the bus and the driver of that car.  There were angels on our road today.

In a split second, life can change.  So many people have experienced that already in their lives.  Today, I got a small snippet.

I am done running the scenarios through my head.

I am just thankful that it turned out the way it did.

And I will hug my kids a little tighter tonight.

Shout Out (84/366)

Tuesday March 27, 2012

After yesterday's post (not posted until today, but the one titled Fork In The Road) I feel a need to explain just a bit why I made the decision to change the subject matter of the blog.

I am following a blog called Single Dad Laughing (check it out here).  I read his posts everyday and I think he is very real, very raw (sometimes too raw), and very honest.  These are qualities I am looking to have more of in my own writings.

Since I started following his blog, I've become a little more comfortable in my own skin.  He's just a guy that was going through a rough time in his life, and he started a blog.  He didn't really know where it was going to go, but it has reached thousands - and touched hundreds of thousands.

In reading his posts, I've gained confidence to write and speak about what's important to me - the failures, the embarassing moments, the raw life experience I've had.

The other blogs I follow are too many to list, but one of the most important is written by my friend (and neighbor) Denise.  You can check hers out here.  Her latest post about seeing the movie The Hunger Games with her oldest son, and the teachable moments that came from it is inspiring.

Denise is real.  She is raw.  She is honest.  But differently so.

She and I could not be more different (we do have many things in common, I'm overexaggerating) ~ with the exception of one major thing: our faith.

Most posts, Denise ties her life experience of raising four boys in with her faith and how our relationship with God is so similar to our relationship and experiences as parents.  I wish I were a little better in that area.  I really really do.

Denise shows humor, honesty, humility and just great fun in her posts.  I enjoy reading them when she publishes.  I admire her courage to write about parenting the way she does.  If I could be half the mom she is...

So these two blogs, mostly, have pushed me over the edge to go back to writing about the things that are hard to read, or talk about, or acknowledge.

It's difficult, and I'm scared. 

The end goal: to provide healing, help, advice and plain 'ol entertainment to my readers!

I'm thankful for the inspiration I have received from others.  And let's not forget Meg, who got me started on this journey of everyday blogging - It's all YOUR fault!!!  ;)

Fork In The Road (83/366)

Monday March 26, 2012

I love to write.

It's incredibly therapeutic for me.

I appreciate everyone who reads my blog, whether you get the email feed and click right away, or you come to it at your leisure.

Lately I've been feeling like something is missing.

I started this blog in 2010 when I was in the process of pulling myself out of the deep, dark hole of depression.  There were so many things bogging my mind down.  Not the least of which being the Postpartum Depression I was still struggling with.  That post, Flashbacks To Losing It, remains the most popular and by far the most read.

My goal at that time was to write about things that NO One was talking about, but SO many people were feeling or experiencing.  I've never been afraid to speak my mind or say things that some might find uncomfortable.

Of course, this leaves me open to judgement by many.  I've gone back & forth about how far to go with postings.  I've always done my best to be anonymous, never naming names.  Any pictures I post of others or their kids are done so with their permission first. 

Recently, I've been posting about my kids, things we've done or things they've said.  I think that's important to do as well.

But not everyday.

When I agreed to blog everyday for an entire year, I had no idea really what I was getting myself into.  It is a huge task.

Not every day has a story.  Not every day has a momentous occasion to share.  Not every day is there something weighing heavy on my mind.

I am almost 3 complete months into my year of daily blogging and I feel it has gotten a little off track.  When I write about the hard stuff, the controversial stuff, the personal stuff, there are at times 10 times more readers on those posts.

That tells me a lot.

Either people like to read about the hard stuff, or they are sharing it more with their friends, or they are talking more about me and how my (sometimes crazy) mind works, or they're trying to figure out who I am talking about ~ no matter which it is, people are reading.

9 times out of 10, I am getting praise and compliments for the popular posts.  I've been told to reserve a copy of my first book for some friends.  I get private messages from people that can relate.  I get public comments of praise.

I also get some criticism, but that is to be expected.  I don't expect anyone to think or feel the way that I do.  I blog based on my own life experience and how it has shaped my mind to think.

So I've decided to go back to posting about the things that no one talks about.  Of course, some of these posts will be controversial and you may not agree with them.  I'm going to try to keep it personal and relay to you how it seems from my eyes, but I welcome your comments and your feedback.  I will, of course, continue to be discreet and respectful of the situations and experiences I choose to blog about.  Losing followers in no way compares to losing friends ~ and I would never want to alienate any of my friends.  I may even change the name of this blog... I'm still debating that one.

I want to grow this blog, and hopefully turn it into something bigger someday.  Since I have become a mother, I have very much desired to write a book.  I would love to write about divorce and how it affects teenage girls (I'm sure this has been done hundreds of times, but my story is different), I would love to write a book about how having step-parents has affected me as a young girl, teenager and a woman (also, been done before), and I would love to write a book about the after-life of becoming a mother.  While joyous and miraculous, having children for me has not even come close to being the experience I had in my mind that it would be.  I think that is something many women feel, don't talk about, and may find some comfort in knowing they're not alone.

Today, I'm thankful for the decision that was so hard for me to make.  I am thankful for those readers that stick with me through this and help me along the way.

It is with a deep breath that I click "publish".