Can I Borrow Your Hat? (90/366)

Monday April 2, 2012

Often times in life we have a role to play and we get very comfortable with that role.

Wife, Mother, Colleague, Employee, CEO, Father, etc.

We tend to pick one "dominant" role and in the meantime we forget the incredible number of other roles we actually do play on a daily basis.

I find this fascinating... especially on an exhausting day when I feel I can do no more, and another 3 hours have passed without my notice because I've been role playing some more.

I also find this hard to believe as my roles change on a regular basis.

Normally, my two biggest roles are Mom and Dad - from Monday to Friday while my husband is at work, out of state and not to return until the weekend.

Lately, I've had to scale back the role of Dad as my daughters' daddy is home every night after work due to a rare, and short-lived stint working close to home.

While I have grown accustomed to playing both of these roles (I've been doing it for almost 4 years now), it is difficult to make the switch back to normalcy.  I've wondered for quite some time what normalcy is - for us, it's different than most.  As I've stated before, I am a Married Single Mother.

Using that title, I would never want to take the glory away from true single parents as I believe they have an incredible gift that only others in their shoes can even begin to understand.

A true single parent doesn't have their spouse just a phone call away, as I do.

A true single parent rarely gets breaks, as I get breaks when I ask for help, or when my better half is home on the weekend.

A true single parent must rely on their own resources to fund the household and support their children - my husband does that for us (bless his heart).

A true single parent has (hopefully, if you're doing it right) found the joy in leading the many roles they must play, with no end in sight, no help in sight, no relief in sight.

Let's be honest, parenting is the most challenging role we will ever play in our entire lives.  It's harder than being a spouse, or employee, or CEO.  We have these little tiny lives in our hands that we must mold and shape into beautiful, functioning adults.  There is no task greater than that in my opinion.

I have good days and bad days.  Often times I will call my husband at the end of one of those bad days to vent.  But he's not here so I can imagine it is incredibly hard for him to help, if even over the phone.  Many two-parent households have the gift of coming home at the end of those types of days and holding each other, comforting face-to-face, and sharing laughter to try to wipe away the day's hardships.

Single parents don't get that.

All they have is themselves, and those little tiny lives they are entrusted with to raise up.  They must mask the feelings of defeat, hurt, frustration, anger, sadness and overwhelming exhaustion to appear strong and capable to the little people looking to them every second of every day to learn how to be, how to live.

My good days far outnumber the bad, but even if you have that comfort of your partner that walks through the door each evening after a long day, we all have bad parenting days.  Whether you stay at home with your kids, or you hold down a job, we all have bad days.  Days when we feel we are the worst parent in the whole world and we ask why God would trust someone like me with these precious children.

Our common ground as parents, single or two-parent houses, is that we just keep going.  We look to the next 5 minutes to be better than the last, and the next day to refresh and renew us to try again.  We must put on the hat of courage and look forward to doing it better.  Being a parent is incredibly challenging... and uber-incredibly rewarding.

The rewards are watching our children fill with joy when they accomplish something new or difficult.  The rewards are in the good days, when everything falls into place.  And selfishly, the rewards are the feelings of accomplishment and pride we as parents get at the end of those good days.

It's hard to remember how many roles we play in a single day.  I can count numerous roles in my own day, but I consider myself less of a "Super Mom" than some of my friends around me.  Don't get me wrong, I find great value in what I do, and it shows in my children.  But sometimes when I look around I wonder, "How does she do that?!"  It's hard not to compare ourselves with other parents as we look around, but everyone plays different roles based on their family's needs.  I've found that over recent months I've had to scale back on the amount of comparing I am actually doing.  It's not fair, mostly to myself, that I take this role or that role and ask why I can't do them. 

Another role we must remember to play, as if we need another, is ourselves.  Let's not lose our own identity in the hustle & bustle of playing the million other roles each day.  Remember to take time for yourself - real good quality time.  A good workout, a new hairdo (without the kids waiting in the chair next to you), a night out with friends or even a short vacation with friends (minus the kids) - all of these things will refresh and at times reinvent the parent you are.  I've written about it before, but it's amazing what a nice hard break from parenting will do to your morale and abilities as a parent, single or otherwise.

I could go on & on, but for fear of losing you to my ramble and knowing you are smart readers and get the point I'm trying to make, I will conclude by saying that I am thankful for the many hats I wear.  Some hats get worn and must be thrown away.  Sometimes, we must borrow a hat from a friend, and most often, as life changes and evolves, we get new hats.  Being a parent has been the most challenging, rewarding and eye-opening experience I've ever had.  And I will be a parent for the rest of my kids' lives - and hopefully continue to grow and change.

The proof will be in my children when they're grown.  So far so good.