Fork In The Road (83/366)

Monday March 26, 2012

I love to write.

It's incredibly therapeutic for me.

I appreciate everyone who reads my blog, whether you get the email feed and click right away, or you come to it at your leisure.

Lately I've been feeling like something is missing.

I started this blog in 2010 when I was in the process of pulling myself out of the deep, dark hole of depression.  There were so many things bogging my mind down.  Not the least of which being the Postpartum Depression I was still struggling with.  That post, Flashbacks To Losing It, remains the most popular and by far the most read.

My goal at that time was to write about things that NO One was talking about, but SO many people were feeling or experiencing.  I've never been afraid to speak my mind or say things that some might find uncomfortable.

Of course, this leaves me open to judgement by many.  I've gone back & forth about how far to go with postings.  I've always done my best to be anonymous, never naming names.  Any pictures I post of others or their kids are done so with their permission first. 

Recently, I've been posting about my kids, things we've done or things they've said.  I think that's important to do as well.

But not everyday.

When I agreed to blog everyday for an entire year, I had no idea really what I was getting myself into.  It is a huge task.

Not every day has a story.  Not every day has a momentous occasion to share.  Not every day is there something weighing heavy on my mind.

I am almost 3 complete months into my year of daily blogging and I feel it has gotten a little off track.  When I write about the hard stuff, the controversial stuff, the personal stuff, there are at times 10 times more readers on those posts.

That tells me a lot.

Either people like to read about the hard stuff, or they are sharing it more with their friends, or they are talking more about me and how my (sometimes crazy) mind works, or they're trying to figure out who I am talking about ~ no matter which it is, people are reading.

9 times out of 10, I am getting praise and compliments for the popular posts.  I've been told to reserve a copy of my first book for some friends.  I get private messages from people that can relate.  I get public comments of praise.

I also get some criticism, but that is to be expected.  I don't expect anyone to think or feel the way that I do.  I blog based on my own life experience and how it has shaped my mind to think.

So I've decided to go back to posting about the things that no one talks about.  Of course, some of these posts will be controversial and you may not agree with them.  I'm going to try to keep it personal and relay to you how it seems from my eyes, but I welcome your comments and your feedback.  I will, of course, continue to be discreet and respectful of the situations and experiences I choose to blog about.  Losing followers in no way compares to losing friends ~ and I would never want to alienate any of my friends.  I may even change the name of this blog... I'm still debating that one.

I want to grow this blog, and hopefully turn it into something bigger someday.  Since I have become a mother, I have very much desired to write a book.  I would love to write about divorce and how it affects teenage girls (I'm sure this has been done hundreds of times, but my story is different), I would love to write a book about how having step-parents has affected me as a young girl, teenager and a woman (also, been done before), and I would love to write a book about the after-life of becoming a mother.  While joyous and miraculous, having children for me has not even come close to being the experience I had in my mind that it would be.  I think that is something many women feel, don't talk about, and may find some comfort in knowing they're not alone.

Today, I'm thankful for the decision that was so hard for me to make.  I am thankful for those readers that stick with me through this and help me along the way.

It is with a deep breath that I click "publish".