Lasting Scars (58/366)

Thursday March 1, 2012

I have a pile of magazines on the end table, some still in the plastic straight from the mailbox.  I never take the time to look through the few different magazines I do get.

Today I did.

I thumbed through the first few, setting them aside for the recycling bin.  When I got to the March issue of Parents, the first thing that caught my eye was a recipe for Cheesy Chicken Rotini, so I ripped it out.  I'm gonna make it this weekend.

The next thing that caught my little eye was a recipe for Strawberry Macaroons.  I can totally see my girls and me eating these while having our next tea party (insert British accent, pinkie in the air).  I ripped that one out too.

Normally I just go through these magazines, looking for interesting craft ideas, recipes (that I never usually make) or articles that might be interesting.  Today I found one that hit straight to the heart.

It's titled Mean Little Girls and was written by a woman named Ann Hood.  As I started reading, my heart ached for her little girl, Annabelle.  This mom is portraying my sentiments exactly on how I feel about my little girls getting bullied.  She said it best in one sentence: "I will battle anyone for this child. I will take on the bullies, their mothers, their sidekicks, all the boys who will break her heart someday."

Exactly.

The author went on to describe flashbacks of her school days when she herself was bullied.  And this is where I started crying.

This in turn, took me back to my school days when I was bullied.  I was bullied in school by the Mean Girls from the ages of 13 to 15.  A young, impressionable teenager, completely crushed time and again by the friends that I had shared so much with for years.  This took its toll on my self image and self esteem.

It took such a toll that 2 months before my 15th birthday I attempted suicide.  Obviously I was unsuccessful, but I had hit the lowest point of my life. Ever.

It was tough to overcome. I wish I could say that I had a "safe place" at home to heal and pick myself back up, but I didn't.  This is not meant in any way to negatively reflect on my parents - they did the best they could.  Back then, bullying wasn't spoken about, it wasn't blogged about, it wasn't widely publicised on every self-help talk show on daytime TV.

Eventually, I was able to move on. And move away.

This is not possible for most young kids or teenagers to do.  I come from divorced parents, and felt "safer" at the other home.  I thought it would be easier to start fresh and new at a new high school then to go back to face the kids at the other one.

It has been one of my worst fears that my girls would get bullied in school.  I know they will experience it at some point, and hopefully it won't be too extreme (God forbid one of mine is the Mean Girl).  I have tried to prepare myself for this day, and hopefully be able to handle the situation well - without my girls' self esteem taking too big of a punch.

The opening line of the article from today reads: "Nothing can prepare you for seeing your 5-year old become a victim of kid cruelty - not even your own childhood".

This is so true.

Over the years, that time in my life has always crept back into my mind - especially after I had children of my own.  Extra-specially since I had two daughters.  I still carry the pain of my own bullying experience and realize that it cannot prepare me for seeing the hurt and pain on my daughter's face when she comes home with the horror stories.

I can, in turn, always give her a safe place to land.  A shoulder to cry on. Wisdom from my own teenage trauma. I can try to be for them the person that I needed when I was in that place.

Parenthood is so unpredictable.  It's one day at a time.  We must remember that with pain comes blessings, revelations and triumphs.  My mom recently quoted lyrics to a song that read, "What if your blessings come thru raindrops, what if your healing comes thru tears, what if 1,000 sleepless nights is what it takes to know You're near? And what if trials of this life, are your mercies in disguise?"

I think this is beautiful.  I think it's perfect.  I think we need to let our kids fly, experience pain and hurt.  I don't think there's any other way to parent.  Kids will be kids, and we as parents need to be here for them when they fall.

Before I had kids of my own, my heart's desire was to have boys.  I only wanted boys.  I couldn't bear the thought of having little girls that would potentially encounter the kind of pain that I did in school.  But God knew better and He blessed me incredibly with my two daughters.  He knew that my experience has made me strong enough to parent these two little angels.  In raising my daughters, I have also been able to heal a little more from those days so long ago.

I am thankful that I made it through that difficult time in my life. Although I still carry the scars and I am still programmed with certain "safeguards", it has helped to shape me into the parent I am today.  And it will help to shape my daughters to be even better yet than I am.