I Was THAT Mom

Something has been eating at me since last week.  I've debated over & over whether or not to blog about it, because I don't want to write about my bad days - just the good ones.  But I can't seem to get over it...

I was that mom - once.

I yelled at my daughter, Hannah.  When I say yelled, I mean yelled - through grit teeth and tight lips.

Here's what happened:

My oldest daughter Hannah, my youngest daughter Ava and I all share a pickup truck.  I'm not talking about a deluxe-four-door-tons-of-room-extra-large pickup truck.  I mean standard cab shortbed, nothing extended and no bed cover.  No child latch system, standard seatbelts.  Nothing heated, dent in the door, ABS disabled... you get the picture.  We are packed in like sardines!

My youngest daughter still has to have the toddler booster seat, and she sits in the middle, because my oldest daughter Hannah needs the shoulder strap for her seat.  Everytime we get in, Hannah tries to buckle her seatbelt by herself, but the carseats are so crowded and close together she can barely reach (or find) her buckle.  When she can't do something, she starts to cry.  She doesn't ask for help or use words to tell me what's wrong, she just cries.

So I looked over at her and I immediately knew what was wrong - this happens often.  On that night, I was tired, I hadn't had any adult interaction in over 3 days and I just let her have it.

"You're almost 5 years old!  You should know how to buckle your own seatbelt"!

"I can't believe I have to get back out of the truck and come over there and buckle that belt for you!  This is ridiculous!"

"Are you kidding me?  Why do you just cry?  Why can't you use your words and just ask for help?  Then I wouldn't get so mad!  Why does this happen every single time we get in the truck?"

"Well, if you can't get buckled then I will just start driving and hope nothing happens.  Or better yet, you can just walk.  Anyone who can't buckle their own seatbelt can just walk".

It was brutal.

The second my mouth stopped moving, I felt like dog poo.  Serious dog poo.  And by this time, both girls were crying, I was crying and I looked around the parking lot to see if anyone was watching.

This incident took me back to the time Hannah was born (see my previous post Flashbacks to Losing it) and what an incredible short fuse I had.  It has taken me years to get control of my emotions and actually plug in so that I can control them.

What was my excuse today?

I had none. 

None that was valid anyway.  My sweet little girl did not deserve to be spoken to this way.  If she ever spoke to me that way she'd be in BIG trouble.  Just because I'm the mommy doesn't give me a free pass to do and say whatever I want.  I'm supposed to be teaching my girls - teaching them how to properly express their feelings.

I immediately wrapped my arms around her and apologized.  I told her that I had no right to speak to her that way, that I was sorry to have yelled at her.  I told her how special she is to me and that even if she can't buckle her own buckle she can ask for help anytime.  I will help her with no problem.  And someday, when we get a bigger vehicle that's a little more family-friendly we won't have this problem.

She said she forgives me, and the little one said, "Mommy, y'ok?  Ssssss (Sissy), y'ok?"  And I gave her a big squeeze and told her how sorry Mommy is too.  And we told her that we are all okay.

I am still trying to figure out why I got SO angry over a seatbelt!  I wasn't mad at Hannah, I think I was frustrated with being crammed into the bed of a truck.  We have no room for storage, and being winter, everything gets touched by wet boots or shoes and ends up wet or dirty.

All that aside, I need to remind myself that I am blessed.  I'm blessed to have a husband that loves me and goes to work everyday to support us.  I'm blessed to have a truck that gets us around.  A lot of families can't afford 2 cars, or any vehicle for that matter.  I'm blessed to have healthy children who are learning to do the tasks that will get them through life.  I'm blessed that Hannah knows to buckle herself - safety first! 

I could go on & on.  It's unfortunate that I needed to remind myself and put myself in check.  But I did.  And it's been eating me up ever since.

I need to confess this (which I'm doing here), forgive myself and move on. 

It's not a setback, it doesn't happen often and hopefully my daughters won't remember that moment.

I have learned from it and I will handle it better next time.

I don't ever want to be that mom again.  Ever.